Walkathon
It’s no secret that I love Paul Walker. The 2Hot 2Talented hard-bodied bro has had a string of amazing films cementing his place in movie history. Walker first made a splash in the Disney surfing buddy comedy “Meet the Deedles”(not to be confused with Peter Jackson’s Muppets-on-acid “Meet the Feebles” which I actually did once, and I’m not really sure how those kids handled the scene in which the bunny puppet thinks he has an STD).
Then, Walker played a frat-cop in “The Fast and The Furious” movies. The second one being the best because it had Tyrese in it, and did anyone but me see that movie “Into the Blue”? Okay, so Paul Walker and Jessica Alba are supposed to be hunting for pirate treasure, but the only booty I was interested in was the Walker’s. So I know that Jessica Alba is supposed to be Miss Hottie McHothot, but the real tastycake of the sea was clearly my boy Paul.
So, this weekend, when I found out that two Paul Walker movies were out simultaneously, there was only one option. That’s right, a Walkathon. First up was “Running Scared.” Words cannot articulate the genius of this film. The writer/director, Wayne Kramer, must have seen “True Romance” about eighty thousand times and was like, what if that scene where Tony Soprano beats the shit out of Patricia Arquette could last the entire movie? Except throw in Paul Walker as a family man/criminal, slipping in and out of a New Jersey accent, running around like a mad man searching for a gun that could implicate him and his gang in a gruesome, ball-exploding cop shooting. The only problem... the gun is in the hands of a 10-year-old boy who used it to shoot his crazy Russian dad who has a giant boner for John Wayne Sounds totally awesome, right?
Over-the-top doesn’t even begin to describe Kramer’s totally nuts direction. And you can tell that Kramer let the actors really get into character. Walker seems to think he’s James Dean with tourettes, running around cursing and punching walls with EMOTION I can totally feel his pain. And, his character makes inferences with barely any evidence. Okay, so the gun he needs is hiding in the top part of a toilet in a diner. But, it’s not there anymore. So, he just checks the time card for the last janitor to leave and figures he must have the gun. This is apparently enough circumstantial evidence to bust down this dude’s door and start waiving a gun in the face of his wife and baby. You go Paul Walker. Point guns at babies.
And speaking of babies, there was totally a baby crying throughout this hard R-rated movie. As soon as I started imagining what kind of douchebag parent would break a baby to this movie, it got to the scene in which the 10-year-old boy Paul Walker is looking for is abducted by child molestors straight out of Mr. Roger’s neighborhood. It was so extreme I needed a Mountain Dew.
Then, when I didn’t think “Running Scared” could get any more awesome, all of the sudden, this pimp shows up and exchanges witty quips with Paul Walker while holding a switch blade up to the kid’s throat. The pimp was all like “I’m a muthafuckin’ mack-daddy pimp ” and then Paul Walker was all like “You’re a mack-daddy bitch ” I am not making this up:
Then, after a bunch of guidos started throwing around the N-word to each other like it was nothing, some shit blew up and there was some half-assed twist or something. But who cares. That pimp was awesome.
I thought that the genius of “Running Scared” couldn’t be matched, but then it was time for the second movie in the Walkathon: “8 Below.” If you haven’t heard of this one, it’s Paul Walker as an arctic explorer who is forced to abandon his eight snow dogs on a base in Antarctica after an intense storm. The trailer bills this movie as “the greatest tale of survival ever told.” Really? The greatest ever? Eight dogs? Not like, people escaping the holocaust?
I was skeptical of “8 Below” at first. I mean, the bar was set pretty high with “Snow Dogs.” These dogs didn’t even have sunglasses or talk. But, somehow “8 Below” pulled it off, whether it was falling back on cop movie cliches: there’s one dog named Old Jack who’s close to retirement, a.k.a he had dead written all over him, or adding in sweet action sequences with an evil computer generated seal. Also, Paul Walker gave the single best performance of his career, especially during the part where he first learns that his dogs probably won’t survive. You can just see his mental process, thinking: “My dogs. They are totally going to die.” Emote Paul, emote with every muscle in your pea brain.
In conclusion, Paul Walker + Snow Dogs - Cuba Gooding Jr / Mack daddy pimps = Totally Awesome, am I right?
Then, Walker played a frat-cop in “The Fast and The Furious” movies. The second one being the best because it had Tyrese in it, and did anyone but me see that movie “Into the Blue”? Okay, so Paul Walker and Jessica Alba are supposed to be hunting for pirate treasure, but the only booty I was interested in was the Walker’s. So I know that Jessica Alba is supposed to be Miss Hottie McHothot, but the real tastycake of the sea was clearly my boy Paul.
So, this weekend, when I found out that two Paul Walker movies were out simultaneously, there was only one option. That’s right, a Walkathon. First up was “Running Scared.” Words cannot articulate the genius of this film. The writer/director, Wayne Kramer, must have seen “True Romance” about eighty thousand times and was like, what if that scene where Tony Soprano beats the shit out of Patricia Arquette could last the entire movie? Except throw in Paul Walker as a family man/criminal, slipping in and out of a New Jersey accent, running around like a mad man searching for a gun that could implicate him and his gang in a gruesome, ball-exploding cop shooting. The only problem... the gun is in the hands of a 10-year-old boy who used it to shoot his crazy Russian dad who has a giant boner for John Wayne Sounds totally awesome, right?
Over-the-top doesn’t even begin to describe Kramer’s totally nuts direction. And you can tell that Kramer let the actors really get into character. Walker seems to think he’s James Dean with tourettes, running around cursing and punching walls with EMOTION I can totally feel his pain. And, his character makes inferences with barely any evidence. Okay, so the gun he needs is hiding in the top part of a toilet in a diner. But, it’s not there anymore. So, he just checks the time card for the last janitor to leave and figures he must have the gun. This is apparently enough circumstantial evidence to bust down this dude’s door and start waiving a gun in the face of his wife and baby. You go Paul Walker. Point guns at babies.
And speaking of babies, there was totally a baby crying throughout this hard R-rated movie. As soon as I started imagining what kind of douchebag parent would break a baby to this movie, it got to the scene in which the 10-year-old boy Paul Walker is looking for is abducted by child molestors straight out of Mr. Roger’s neighborhood. It was so extreme I needed a Mountain Dew.
Then, when I didn’t think “Running Scared” could get any more awesome, all of the sudden, this pimp shows up and exchanges witty quips with Paul Walker while holding a switch blade up to the kid’s throat. The pimp was all like “I’m a muthafuckin’ mack-daddy pimp ” and then Paul Walker was all like “You’re a mack-daddy bitch ” I am not making this up:
Then, after a bunch of guidos started throwing around the N-word to each other like it was nothing, some shit blew up and there was some half-assed twist or something. But who cares. That pimp was awesome.
I thought that the genius of “Running Scared” couldn’t be matched, but then it was time for the second movie in the Walkathon: “8 Below.” If you haven’t heard of this one, it’s Paul Walker as an arctic explorer who is forced to abandon his eight snow dogs on a base in Antarctica after an intense storm. The trailer bills this movie as “the greatest tale of survival ever told.” Really? The greatest ever? Eight dogs? Not like, people escaping the holocaust?
I was skeptical of “8 Below” at first. I mean, the bar was set pretty high with “Snow Dogs.” These dogs didn’t even have sunglasses or talk. But, somehow “8 Below” pulled it off, whether it was falling back on cop movie cliches: there’s one dog named Old Jack who’s close to retirement, a.k.a he had dead written all over him, or adding in sweet action sequences with an evil computer generated seal. Also, Paul Walker gave the single best performance of his career, especially during the part where he first learns that his dogs probably won’t survive. You can just see his mental process, thinking: “My dogs. They are totally going to die.” Emote Paul, emote with every muscle in your pea brain.
In conclusion, Paul Walker + Snow Dogs - Cuba Gooding Jr / Mack daddy pimps = Totally Awesome, am I right?
posted by Dan at 2:40 AM
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