Xtreme Xmas: Deck the Halls

So this year's nutty, goofy Christmas comedy is out: "Deck the Halls" co-starring Matthew Broderick and Danny DeVito. Oh man just when I was getting pissed that I totally missed "Christmas With The Kranks" last year, "Deck the Halls" swoops in to save Christmas. I mean, the classic storyline of two neighbors fueding over holiday-themed decorations ages like a fine wine. To get ready for this sure-fire comedic masterpiece, here are the five best Christmas movies ever made.

"Die Hard" - 1988

That's right, John McClain was coming home to LA for the holidays and the terrorists crash his wife's Nakatomi Towers Christmas party. There are so many awesome things to remember in "Die Hard." First, there's that scene where he walks through the glass. Then, when he strings that dude up with the chain. Oh man and Alan Rickman is so good. He doesn't even have to totally save every scene he's in as usual (like in the dreadful "Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves" where the ONLY thing that's good is the Rick-Man threatening to carve Kevin Costner's heart out with a spoon. I'll always fondly remember "Die Hard" as the movie that first introduced me to the word "fuck." My life has been much better ever since, even though any statistician will tell you that correlation does not prove causation, but fuck that.

"Ernest Saves Christmas" - 1988

First of all, I love Ernest, and the combination of Ernest and Santa Claus is the Stockton-Malone of movies. This is the first movie that I can remember that used the now-standard Santa's retiring and needs someone to fill his shoes, and who better than Ernest? The scene where Ernest hides Santa in a truck and pretends to be an overly intense snake handler is comedy gold. And, the horror movie-within-a-movie, "Christmas Slay," is totally genius. Although, this still isn't the best Ernest movie there is. That title still belongs to "Ernest Scared Stupid." The day Ernest died was one of the saddest in my life, despite the fact that towards the end the Ernest movies weren't all winners. I still haven't gathered the courage to watch "Ernest Goes to Africa."



Know what I mean? Shudder.





"Christmas Evil" - 1980

After a little boy sees his mommy doin' a little more than just kissing Santa Claus. (Santa's kissing his mommy on the vag!)

He grows up to be a psycho toy-maker/Santa Claus axe-murderer. Despite being painfully slow and straight up terrible, it is totally redeemed by the star performance laid down by none other than Fiona Apple's dad as the sinister Saint Nick. I think she references this movie in the title of the "When the Pawn..." record. I think it's somewhere towards the end.

"Home Alone" - 1990

So we all know this one. What gets to me these days about it is how super-rich the McCallisters are. I mean, Jesus Christ. I know it was coming off the tail end of the '80s but come on. Sure they have that huge family, but most of them are just visiting for the holidays. It's the two parents, Kevin, and like two other siblings in a fucking Biltmore Estates-esque mansion. I guess they needed all the different rooms for the bumbling crooks to get tripped up on micro machines or whatever. I was thinking of like the R-Rated way in which to booby trap a house with kids' toys. You got, power wheels drive-by with gats, chokin' 'em with gak, and burglar dick through the Pla-Do factory. Now that would hurt, havin' a star-shaped cock. And how is The Wet Bandits not a band name already? But, clearly the best part of "Home Alone" is the movie-within-the-movie, "Angels With Filty Souls." I wanna watch that filmnoir masterpiece. I tried to find the clip, but all I could find was this loser re-enacting it, playing both parts:

From there, I saw all his videos, which are basically just him nerdily re-enacting movies solo. Watch the Star Trek one and you'll instantly feel better about yourself.

"Call Me Clause" - 2001

I saved the best for last. "Call Me Clause" is the story of Whoopie Goldberg being chosen to replace Santa Claus. Get this, it's like a made-for-TNT movie. I didn't even know those existed. It's probably the only one of its kind. Whoopi's acting when she gets to Santa's workshop for the first time is akin to the past genius "confused-time-traveler" performances of Martin Lawrence isn "Black Knight" and Hugh Jackman in "Kate & Leopold." Whoopie Goldberg + Santa Claus / Made-For-TNT - Christmas sense = holiday cheer.

Dunst-trospective

Who knows if Sofia Coppola's new film "Marie Antoinette" is any good (well, I guess besides the people that have seen it already). The French hated it at Cannes, but then again they thought Gus Van Sant deserved an award. The only award he deserves is for world's shittiest biographer, making movies about "Burt Mobaine" and the "Dolumbine Shooting." I am still intrigued by the 18th century France meets my iTunes, Coppola has filled the soundtrack with New Order, The Cure, The Strokes, and - as usual - Air. It's tough to say whether or not this "A Knight's Tale" strategy will pay off, but in preparation for "Marie Antoinette" and take a look at the past films of its star: Kristen Dunst and do a little Dunst Checks In.

"Interview With A Vampire" - 1994

Man, to think there was even a discussion about who the supreme hottie was between studly Brad Pitt and resident psycopath Tom Cruise. How times have changed. This movie totally reminds me of this haunted house I just went to at Knott's Berry Farm (recently re-vamped - get it! - into Knott's "Scary" Farm, which just sounds like "Not Scary Farm"). There was an Anne Rice inspired haunted house: The Lord of the Vampyres - with a "y" and everything! Oh man the people working there had totally played the roleplaying game "Vampire: The Masquerade" about a hundred too many times and were way too into the whole vampire thing. The best was when the haunted house totally switched up and went from gothic, sexually creepy vamps to "Blade"-era, Steven Dorf-inspired techno vampires! The strobe light and techno jams were kickin' and I was all like "where's 'Van Wilder'?"

"Jumanji" - 1995

The most dissappointing thing about "Jumanji" is that it totally leaves itself open-ended for a sequel and doesn't deliver. I mean, "Zathura"... what is that? They even could've done a spin-off with David Alan Grier and all those lions or whatever. And now you got "Night at the Museum" coming out in December which just looks like another "Jumanji" clone. The only thing that makes me not want to go back and see this movie is the fact that here in Los Angeles, there are entirely too many billboards for "Man of the Year" - the comedy where Robin Williams plays a coked-out Jon Stewart and runs for president. It's like the studio was like sink all our advertising money into LA billboards no matter how retarded it is! And what's worse, the poster is just Robin Williams with that stupid Revolutionary-era wig on.

On the corner of Hollywood and Normandie - I shit you not - there are two "Man of the Year" billboards in a row, on the same side of the street, facing the same way. Worst ad-campaign ever.

"Bring It On" - 2000

This movie has it all. First, it's the most accurate portrayal of racial tension in America since "Do the Right Thing" - think about it. It's got the Upright Citizens Brigade's Ian Roberts as the crazy choreographer obsessed with spirit fingers. Oh man and I haven't even gotten to the Bradford yet - oh wait, I just did! Jesse Bradford, one of Movie Matches top five favorite actors, plays Dunst's soon-to-be alterna-bf. While the poster's on Bradford's wall are for The Clash, Jimi Hendrix and The Sex Pistols, the song he makes for the Dunst sounds more like shitty mall-punk. He's clearly the budding indie rock poet, despite the fact he rhymes "pon-pons" with "bon-bons."

What saves it though is the toothbrushing scene. OMG you could cut the sexual tension with my dick!

"Get Over It" - 2001

This at-first interchangable teen comedy seems like totally well-tread territory. That is, until you realize that it has Sisqo in it! Yes, that's right, the originator of the "Thong Song" lights it up in this one. I know they put on "A Midsummer Night's Dream" within the movie, because it's directed by Martin Short and his performance of the overwhelmingly homosexual drama teacher is burned into my mind's eye forever. I think Sisqo plays Puck. Sisqo + Shakespeare / gay Martin Short = I'll never get over it.

"Spider-Man" - 2002

Spider-Man was an awesome movie - except for Willem Dafoe's shitty Green Goblin costume. I mean, what was with that thing? I was waiting the whole movie for Rita to throw down her staff and make that monster grow (only seven people got that). But the real highlight of this super-blockbuster is the totally gratuitous product placement capped by the appearence of Sony recording artist Macy Gray! I am just assuming she died after the Green Goblin started chucking pumpkins towards the stage. But seriously, wtf is Macy Gray doing in "Spider-Man"?

Walkathon

It’s no secret that I love Paul Walker. The 2Hot 2Talented hard-bodied bro has had a string of amazing films cementing his place in movie history. Walker first made a splash in the Disney surfing buddy comedy “Meet the Deedles”(not to be confused with Peter Jackson’s Muppets-on-acid “Meet the Feebles” which I actually did once, and I’m not really sure how those kids handled the scene in which the bunny puppet thinks he has an STD).

Then, Walker played a frat-cop in “The Fast and The Furious” movies. The second one being the best because it had Tyrese in it, and did anyone but me see that movie “Into the Blue”? Okay, so Paul Walker and Jessica Alba are supposed to be hunting for pirate treasure, but the only booty I was interested in was the Walker’s. So I know that Jessica Alba is supposed to be Miss Hottie McHothot, but the real tastycake of the sea was clearly my boy Paul.



So, this weekend, when I found out that two Paul Walker movies were out simultaneously, there was only one option. That’s right, a Walkathon. First up was “Running Scared.” Words cannot articulate the genius of this film. The writer/director, Wayne Kramer, must have seen “True Romance” about eighty thousand times and was like, what if that scene where Tony Soprano beats the shit out of Patricia Arquette could last the entire movie? Except throw in Paul Walker as a family man/criminal, slipping in and out of a New Jersey accent, running around like a mad man searching for a gun that could implicate him and his gang in a gruesome, ball-exploding cop shooting. The only problem... the gun is in the hands of a 10-year-old boy who used it to shoot his crazy Russian dad who has a giant boner for John Wayne Sounds totally awesome, right?

Over-the-top doesn’t even begin to describe Kramer’s totally nuts direction. And you can tell that Kramer let the actors really get into character. Walker seems to think he’s James Dean with tourettes, running around cursing and punching walls with EMOTION I can totally feel his pain. And, his character makes inferences with barely any evidence. Okay, so the gun he needs is hiding in the top part of a toilet in a diner. But, it’s not there anymore. So, he just checks the time card for the last janitor to leave and figures he must have the gun. This is apparently enough circumstantial evidence to bust down this dude’s door and start waiving a gun in the face of his wife and baby. You go Paul Walker. Point guns at babies.



And speaking of babies, there was totally a baby crying throughout this hard R-rated movie. As soon as I started imagining what kind of douchebag parent would break a baby to this movie, it got to the scene in which the 10-year-old boy Paul Walker is looking for is abducted by child molestors straight out of Mr. Roger’s neighborhood. It was so extreme I needed a Mountain Dew.

Then, when I didn’t think “Running Scared” could get any more awesome, all of the sudden, this pimp shows up and exchanges witty quips with Paul Walker while holding a switch blade up to the kid’s throat. The pimp was all like “I’m a muthafuckin’ mack-daddy pimp ” and then Paul Walker was all like “You’re a mack-daddy bitch ” I am not making this up:

Then, after a bunch of guidos started throwing around the N-word to each other like it was nothing, some shit blew up and there was some half-assed twist or something. But who cares. That pimp was awesome.

I thought that the genius of “Running Scared” couldn’t be matched, but then it was time for the second movie in the Walkathon: “8 Below.” If you haven’t heard of this one, it’s Paul Walker as an arctic explorer who is forced to abandon his eight snow dogs on a base in Antarctica after an intense storm. The trailer bills this movie as “the greatest tale of survival ever told.” Really? The greatest ever? Eight dogs? Not like, people escaping the holocaust?



I was skeptical of “8 Below” at first. I mean, the bar was set pretty high with “Snow Dogs.” These dogs didn’t even have sunglasses or talk. But, somehow “8 Below” pulled it off, whether it was falling back on cop movie cliches: there’s one dog named Old Jack who’s close to retirement, a.k.a he had dead written all over him, or adding in sweet action sequences with an evil computer generated seal. Also, Paul Walker gave the single best performance of his career, especially during the part where he first learns that his dogs probably won’t survive. You can just see his mental process, thinking: “My dogs. They are totally going to die.” Emote Paul, emote with every muscle in your pea brain.

In conclusion, Paul Walker + Snow Dogs - Cuba Gooding Jr / Mack daddy pimps = Totally Awesome, am I right?

The Battle of Shia Heights

2/17/05

So, you think nothing really looks good about Keanu Reeves' new horror-action flick "Constantine." Well, you can turn that frown upside down because putting the teen in "Constantine" is 18-year-old wunderkid Shia LeBeouf, star of the Disney Channel original series "Even Stevens." Let's take a walk down LeBeouf lane in appreciation of señor Shia.

"Holes" - 2003

LeBeouf played the lead in this Disney flick based on Louis Sachar's novel. "Donnie Darko" writer-director Richard Kelly offered a screenplay for this film, but it was deemed too dark for Disney, and so Sachar wrote the script instead.

"Dumb and Dumberer" - 2003

Without Jim Carrey, Jeff Daniels or the Farrelly Brothers, this "what the hell were they thinking?" prequel had no redeeming qualities - except, of course, for the LeBeouf, who single-handedly made it better than one of the Farrellys' more recent creations, "Shallow Hal," as if that were hard.

"The Battle of Shaker Heights" - 2003

Ah, the most recent "Project Greenlight" movie. Ben Affleck and Matt Damon give wannabes the opportunity to make a legit Miramax flick. This year's contest winners, Kyle Rankin and Efram Potelle, stink up winning screenwriter Erica Beaney's script with three-way hugs and stupid license plates. Good thing LeBeouf plays the lead, Kelly. That scene where he throws cans at Shiri Applebee is so freaking boss.

"Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle" - 2003

This utterly pointless sequel, directed by some weirdo named McG, pretty much made a certain viewer vomit. But when Shia LeBeouf appeared on a motorcycle, I totally ate my vomit back up and was totally stoked. Yum.

"I, Robot" - 2004

The only thing more important than Will Smith's "vintage" 2004 Converse -get it? 2004! That's like totally the year this movie came out! It's totally blowing my mind! - is LeBeouf as the wisecrackin' sidekick. The dude gets to shoot a machine gun at some robots.

Undercover Brother

9/01/05

With the rapper, actor, cat-you-ain't-used-to, comedian slash producer Nick Cannon's new film "Underclassmen" opening tomorrow, the theaters are sure to be packed. Who wouldn't want to see a story about an undercover cop in college? I mean, especially if it's Nick Cannon. Let's look at some other movies featuring people going undercover in academic situations.

Kindergarten Cop - 1990

In order to bust his longtime criminal nemesis, Detective John Kimble ("I'm a cop, you idiot!") must go undercover as a teacher to get the fugitive's ex-wife to testify against him. Watch out for the kid who says, "Women have a vagina and men have a penis!" as he is best remembered for his role on "Full House." By a very exclusive group of people.

Just One of the Guys - 1985

This classic '80s film stars Joyce Hyser as the androgynous "Terry," who poses as a boy at a high school in order to achieve journalistic legitimacy. I wished we had watched this movie in my Sex, Gender and Culture class because it co-stars William Zabka, who was the totally evil Johnny Lawrence in "The Karate Kid." Cobra Kai never die.

Soul Man - 1986

So if you want to go to Harvard but can't afford it, the obvious choice is to take magic pills that make you black in order to get a minority scholarship. That's the principle underlying the brilliant plot of this 1986 staple of '80s cinema. Hilarity ensues when Mark, the racial chameleon he is, is unable to succeed at dancing or playing basketball. College + The '80s/Blackface = Totally "Not" Racist.

Sorority Boys - 2002

In short, Harland Williams, the dude from "Seventh Heaven" and Lex Luther from the WB's "Smallville" dress up like sorostitutes in order to get revenge on their former fraternity (Kappa Omega Kappa, a.k.a. "K.O.K"). The highlight is the excess foam needed in the communal shower to cover up the "Seventh Heaven" dude's erection and lack of breasts.

Never Been Kissed - 1999

If Drew Barrymore has never been kissed, well then I've never masturbated. I mean, c'mon. What's up with that? Wait, I think Jessica Alba is in "Never Been Kissed." Maybe I should rent it to continue "not masturbating."

Capital Punishment

8/22/05

Who could forget Jimmy Stewart's famous filibuster in "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington," or the White House totally blowing up in "Independence Day"? There are so many memorable D.C. moments in movie history. As we all return to the District, let's take a look some monumental D.C.-related movies.

"xXx: State of the Union" - 2005

Not a hardcore porn set in the Oval Office, but a sequel to the 2002 Vin Diesel action flick "xXx." Just when the first "xXx" movie couldn't get any more X-treme, here come Ice Cube and Willem Dafoe in a face-off of epic proportions. Despite the fact there's no totally awesome extreme snowboarding away from an explosion scene, there's still a cameo from rapper Xzibit to make it quadruple-x.

"The Pacifier" - 2005

What are the odds? There's another D.C.-Diesel connection. This time, it's the entirely plausible plotline of Vin Diesel, a Navy Seal, babysitting four kids and a duck in Bethesda, Maryland. Sadly, there's no scene of Vin checking out the Corner Slice for pizza or picking up some hot threads at the Mustard Seed.

"D.C. Sniper: 23 Days of Fear" - 2003

Actually living through sniper-fest 2K2 makes me appreciate this made-for-TV movie all the more. With Charles S. Dutton as Chief Moose holdin' it down, there's no way this could be a bad viewing experience. That is, unless it involves taking a shot of Tenley vodka every time somebody says the word "sniper," as some of my friends did. Beware of the 23 days of alcohol poisoning in store after a game like this one.

"Beavis and Butthead Do America" - 1996

The climax of this classic film has Beavis and Butthead rocking the nation's capital. While Butthead does hit on Chelsea Clinton, the best scene has to be when Beavis glances back and forth between a photo of Dallas (voiced by Demi Moore) and the Washington Monument, and then runs into a camper to flog his dolphin.

"Traffic" - 2000

In Steven Soderbergh's "Traffic," the "Swimfan" herself Erika Christensen becomes a crack whore in D.C. despite the fact that her dad, played by Michael Douglas, is the newly appointed drug czar. What caused Christensen to become a straight up ho? It wasn't the scientology. Christensen has been a scientologist since birth (which one would think - considering scientology's stance on conventional medication - would get her off the crack at least). In the movie, her hooking all started when "That '70's Show" dork Topher Grace totally gave her some crack. Damn Topher. That's messed up.

Ready to Rumble

4/21/05

Whether it's gang wars or battles between kung-fu masters, there's plenty of flippin' sweet fights in "Kung Fu Hustle." Here are some other movie fights packin' the heat and bringing it straight street.

"They Live" - 1988: Rowdy Roddy Piper vs. Keith David

In this John Carpenter flick about aliens that have totally taken over the planet, the only man that can stop them is former pro wrestler Roddy Piper. But first, he must commence with a backstreet brawl with Keith David in order to get him to put on the super-secret sunglasses that let you see the aliens. This fight was recreated shot for shot in "South Park" for the infamous "cripple fight" between Timmy and Jimmy.

"Kill Bill: Vol. 1" - 2003: The Bride vs. The Crazy 88

This bomb-ass fight was out of control. When I first saw this movie, I about creamed my pants when Uma plucked that dude's eye out. I can't wait to see this fight again when "Kill Bill: The Whole Bloody Affair," Tarantino's NC-17 re-cut of the entire "Kill Bill" saga, comes out. Tarantino was quoted by FilmFocus.co.uk as saying, "It's gonna be off the hook."

"Dolemite" - 1975: Dolemite vs. Willie Green

In this blaxploitation classic, the super pimp Dolemite, in league with his all-girl army of kung-fu killers, defeats his archnemesis Willie Green by totally ripping out his stomach and intestines in order to regain his club. An undercover FBI agent looks on and says, "God damn, Dolemite..."

"Evil Dead 2" - 1987: Bruce Campbell vs. His Hand

After Bruce Campbell's character, Ash, gets his hand possessed, he has a 10-minute fight with his hand that's nothing short of absolute genius. After it cracks several plates over his head, Ash manages to stab it, lock it off at the wrist and saw it off with a chainsaw. "Who's laughing now???"

In da house!

4/14/05

With the super-spooky super-remake of "The Amityville Horror" opening tomorrow with Van Scarier himself Ryan Reynolds, Movie Matches is raising the preverbal cinematic roof on all the movies that are ... in da house!

"Haunted Mansion" - 2003

Just when you thought Eddie Murphy's career couldn't get any sadder, he goes and does this movie, thus setting a new rule in film. Movie adaptations of good theme park rides, in this case the "Haunted Mansion," will be terrible, while movie adaptations of terrible theme park rides, like the "Pirates of the Caribbean," will make a totally awesome movie. The only thing that could've saved "Haunted Mansion" is if Judge Reinhold showed up with some banana-in-tailpipe action (humming "Beverly Hills Cop" theme song).

"The Haunting" - 1999

The 1963 original "Haunting," directed by Robert Wise, is perhaps the scariest film I have ever seen. So leave it to Hollywood to revamp this classic into a steaming pile of feces. First of all, Qui-Gon is totally lame in it, and then the giant CG ghost makes this movie about as bad as "Blair Witch 2." Well, before I go too far, there was that scene where a fireplace bites off Owen Wilson's head.

"House on Haunted Hill" - 1999

Just like the aforementioned "Haunting," the original film was vastly better. How can you go wrong with Vincent Price? The only amazing part of the terrible 1999 remake was the end. When the friendly ghost of Chris Kattan saves Taye Diggs and that girl, it got so bad it was awesome.

"Casper" - 1995

There are so many things right about this movie. It's Bill Pullman's finest role ever. Oh, and then Devon Sawa as the real Casper. That's a stroke of casting genius. In fact, it was such a good call, they should've named this movie "Caster." You know? Like because it was cast so well ... There it is.

"Last House on the Left" - 1972

This movie should be noted as a film that has officially scarred me for life. For all those who have yet to experience "Last House on the Left," it is Wes Craven's first film, and there is a certain scene that you're not going to be able to walk away from with your lunch still in your stomach. I'm not going to go too into the gruesome detail, but let's just say it can be best described simply as demonic fellatio gone wrong.

Movie city

3/31/05

As the film adaptation of Frank Miller's graphic novel "Sin City" hits theaters tomorrow, let's take a look at past movie metropolises and the films that revolve around them.

"City of God" - 2003

If you haven't seen this fantastic film about Brazilian gangs, you are truly missing out. Drop whatever you're doing right now, no matter what it is, and go watch this movie. Well, unless it's something really constructive, like watching all 10 "Friday the 13th" movies in a row. This is actually something I can say I have done. I don't know if that makes me very proud ... or extremely depressed, but only because no other experience I could possibly have in the future could ever be as worthwhile.

"City of Angels" - 1998

Sometimes, when I'm watching a bad Nicholas Cage movie and I get bored, I start to imagine if his other characters somehow were in the movie I was watching. So, here is the remade version of this movie in my head. Okay, so there's this angel that Meg Ryan falls in love with, but then his face comes off, and in order to get it back, he's got to bust into Alcatraz to rescue his daughter's stuffed bunny. Oh, and did I mention he ends up losing Meg Ryan in a poker game to James Caan?

"City of Lost Children" - 1995

Okay, so of all the Jean-Pierre Jeunet films I've ever seen, I'm ashamed to say I've fallen asleep in every one (the exception being "Alien Resurrection"). Ten minutes into "Amelie" and zzz... Even in the totally awesome "Delicatessen," where people are EATING OTHER PEOPLE, I fell asleep. Well, this Jeunet film co-stars Ron Perlman, better known for his title role in "Hellboy," and all I can say about him is how pissed off he was when my friend Jordan called him up after getting his number from Paris Hilton's hacked sidekick.

"Dark City" - 1998

In this excellent sci-fi mystery, Jennifer Connelly takes what her whole career has come to revolve around: a longing look from the end of a pier on the ocean. This scene is not only in "Dark City," but is also in "Requiem For A Dream" and "House of Sand and Fog." Too bad she didn't continue the tradition of rescuing infants from David Bowie's evil clutches ("Labyrinth"). That really would've taken "House of Sand and Fog" to new heights.

"City Slickers" - 1991

Billy Crystal does it all in this movie. He sings on a horse, delivers a calf, gives a eulogy and wears a Mets cap. And who could forget the end when he finally found his smile? That was awesome. But not as awesome as the legend among legends, that being "Curly's Gold." Curly's long lost twin, Duke, for the sequel? Genius.