Dunst-trospective

Who knows if Sofia Coppola's new film "Marie Antoinette" is any good (well, I guess besides the people that have seen it already). The French hated it at Cannes, but then again they thought Gus Van Sant deserved an award. The only award he deserves is for world's shittiest biographer, making movies about "Burt Mobaine" and the "Dolumbine Shooting." I am still intrigued by the 18th century France meets my iTunes, Coppola has filled the soundtrack with New Order, The Cure, The Strokes, and - as usual - Air. It's tough to say whether or not this "A Knight's Tale" strategy will pay off, but in preparation for "Marie Antoinette" and take a look at the past films of its star: Kristen Dunst and do a little Dunst Checks In.

"Interview With A Vampire" - 1994

Man, to think there was even a discussion about who the supreme hottie was between studly Brad Pitt and resident psycopath Tom Cruise. How times have changed. This movie totally reminds me of this haunted house I just went to at Knott's Berry Farm (recently re-vamped - get it! - into Knott's "Scary" Farm, which just sounds like "Not Scary Farm"). There was an Anne Rice inspired haunted house: The Lord of the Vampyres - with a "y" and everything! Oh man the people working there had totally played the roleplaying game "Vampire: The Masquerade" about a hundred too many times and were way too into the whole vampire thing. The best was when the haunted house totally switched up and went from gothic, sexually creepy vamps to "Blade"-era, Steven Dorf-inspired techno vampires! The strobe light and techno jams were kickin' and I was all like "where's 'Van Wilder'?"

"Jumanji" - 1995

The most dissappointing thing about "Jumanji" is that it totally leaves itself open-ended for a sequel and doesn't deliver. I mean, "Zathura"... what is that? They even could've done a spin-off with David Alan Grier and all those lions or whatever. And now you got "Night at the Museum" coming out in December which just looks like another "Jumanji" clone. The only thing that makes me not want to go back and see this movie is the fact that here in Los Angeles, there are entirely too many billboards for "Man of the Year" - the comedy where Robin Williams plays a coked-out Jon Stewart and runs for president. It's like the studio was like sink all our advertising money into LA billboards no matter how retarded it is! And what's worse, the poster is just Robin Williams with that stupid Revolutionary-era wig on.

On the corner of Hollywood and Normandie - I shit you not - there are two "Man of the Year" billboards in a row, on the same side of the street, facing the same way. Worst ad-campaign ever.

"Bring It On" - 2000

This movie has it all. First, it's the most accurate portrayal of racial tension in America since "Do the Right Thing" - think about it. It's got the Upright Citizens Brigade's Ian Roberts as the crazy choreographer obsessed with spirit fingers. Oh man and I haven't even gotten to the Bradford yet - oh wait, I just did! Jesse Bradford, one of Movie Matches top five favorite actors, plays Dunst's soon-to-be alterna-bf. While the poster's on Bradford's wall are for The Clash, Jimi Hendrix and The Sex Pistols, the song he makes for the Dunst sounds more like shitty mall-punk. He's clearly the budding indie rock poet, despite the fact he rhymes "pon-pons" with "bon-bons."

What saves it though is the toothbrushing scene. OMG you could cut the sexual tension with my dick!

"Get Over It" - 2001

This at-first interchangable teen comedy seems like totally well-tread territory. That is, until you realize that it has Sisqo in it! Yes, that's right, the originator of the "Thong Song" lights it up in this one. I know they put on "A Midsummer Night's Dream" within the movie, because it's directed by Martin Short and his performance of the overwhelmingly homosexual drama teacher is burned into my mind's eye forever. I think Sisqo plays Puck. Sisqo + Shakespeare / gay Martin Short = I'll never get over it.

"Spider-Man" - 2002

Spider-Man was an awesome movie - except for Willem Dafoe's shitty Green Goblin costume. I mean, what was with that thing? I was waiting the whole movie for Rita to throw down her staff and make that monster grow (only seven people got that). But the real highlight of this super-blockbuster is the totally gratuitous product placement capped by the appearence of Sony recording artist Macy Gray! I am just assuming she died after the Green Goblin started chucking pumpkins towards the stage. But seriously, wtf is Macy Gray doing in "Spider-Man"?